Life is unfair

“Things are tough all over, cupcake, an' it rains on the just an' the unjust alike...except in California.” Alan Moore, Watchmen

“Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it” Child Psychology by Black Box Recorder

 “There are things you can live with

   For everything else, there is suicide”

Noname00

When it came to naming my blog, it did not take me much time to come up with one, I named it Noname00. It was (is) very apt. What would I have thought of it when I made it? It was just a way to postpone the naming ceremony. Then I thought I would come back to thinking something up, something more apt to call this blog. But of course I never did. Noname00.cpp, is the file name given to a file when you bring up an editor to write a code in TurboC. By the time I had acquainted with the editor I had made up to Noname10.cpp or even more. What is in a name? In magic if you could know the real name of a man, you could control him, you would know who he is. If one knows his own, then he has indeed found himself. It is the descriptor for a person, like the definition of a function, but then according to one's understanding of another man, he could name him at many levels. When we come closer to an object we simultaneously become vague about that thing too. I have heard people say that one could understand the whole of the universe by studying one grain of sand. For when we are abstracting some thing, we are actually defining something in great detail. The understanding of this relation between the micro and macro is according to me the greatest knowledge. Standing by that name I have never, in this blog, touched on any non-personal topic in any level of detail. So like a new file brought up in an editor, nothing is specific in this blog, no opinion is solid. No idea has been put forth, at best questions were asked, taken up to be answered and left half way through without reaching a conclusion. Topics have been changed half way through the article. But when I read an older post it brings up a bunch of emotions. The edginess of them kind of unsettles me, but some of it makes me wonder about what I am losing and what I am gaining through these years. There are themes that continue to interest me, elude me and I completely miss. Some are born, some die, some evolve, some are reborn. After all I write for no one, not even me.

The Him

my eyes green with envy
my mind inflated with pride
my feet restlessly searching
the ground, it has long been denied
ceaselessly fighting for me
my hands, two soft balloons
my nose sniffing the corners
for a way out, just some way out
my ears tuned acutely
to the unheard lullabies
and the world looks down on me demanding
a heart, i had so long ago lost

Two Sound Outputs to Two Channels of The Same SoundCard Using ALSA

          Linux comes in handy when the necessities are very specific. I had installed Mixxx in my computer to do some beginner level mixing of songs. The software is free, and if you have a good media library and internet connection to help you out the only problem that comes in the way is the problem of having only one sound output. The headphone and master outputs have to be channeled to two sound cards. This is the basic requirement to start mixing songs. But I for one was not ready to invest on the simplest of sound card, mostly because I am that cheap.

        The Only solution I could think of to this problem was to use my to channels as two sound cards, If one has a head phone, and is not particular about panning effects in your mixes, getting the master output as mono in your left ear and the Headphone output of the console (Mixxx) in your right ear is good enough for entry level mixing, good enough if you want to not pay and get things done.

      Two do this I had to get two sound cards emulated so that I can give the master in one and the Headphone in the other soundcard in the Mixxx interface. And afterwards I have to make the output I recieve in these sound cards mono, and send the to the left and right channel of my real sound card. Now this right here is a very specific configuration that I can't imagine myself doing anywhere else but here, in Linux.

      Though it started out with me thinking all the wild and complicated things I would have to do, like writing a code in C or if lucky in python, I soon found that this can be easily done with the help of this wonderful "thing" called ALSA (Advanced Linux Sound Architecture ). Now with ALSA all I have to do was add a config file in my home file called ".asoundrc". Once I had done that, that is add the required config which will emulate two sound cards that will 'mono-fy' their received inputs and then send to their alloted channels in my real sound card (Howto is below), I could simply go to mixxx, and when I checked in the lists of sound cards, there they were. The two new sound cards that I emulated. Now I assigned the two outputs of Mixxx to these two cards and now I have the crowd output on my left ear and the headphone output on my right. :)

    Now going to the code.


     The code (more like config) has to be written in the location ~/.asoundrc. So take the terminal and type

"nano ~/.asoundrc"

 This should take you to the text editor, now copy this text given below to that file and save it.

#The handle to the hardware "hw:0", the only sound card in my computer
#The hardware details can be found out by running command 'aplay -l' in console
pcm.Scard{
    type hw   
    card 0
    device 0
    subdevice 0
}

#t8k is the simple use of sound card without any additions to its properties
pcm.t8k {
    type plug
    slave{
        pcm Scard
    }   
   
}


#this is where the mixing is done
pcm.dmix2 {
     type dmix
        ipc_key 1024
        ipc_key_add_uid false # let multiple users share
        ipc_perm 0660 # IPC permissions (octal, default 0600)
        slave {
                pcm Scard # see below
                channels 2
                period_time 0
                period_size 2048 # try 2048 against skipping
                buffer_time 0
                buffer_size 1024 # in case of problems reduce this
                                 # in case of skipping, try increasing
        }
}

#The emulated left sound card, routes half the sound from left and right to
#the left channel of the dmix soundcard
pcm.left {
        type route
        slave.pcm dmix2
        slave.channels 2
        ttable.0.0 0.5
        ttable.1.0 0.5
}

#Same thing, output mono to right
pcm.right {
        type route
        slave.pcm dmix2
        slave.channels 2
        ttable.0.1 0.5
        ttable.1.1 0.5
}
ctl.left{
    type hw
    card 0
}
ctl.right{
    type hw
    card 0
}

#These are bitrate compatible interface of left and right soundcards.
#Try only if the 'right' and 'left' soundcards are skipping.
pcm.rightGood{
    type plug
    slave.pcm right
}
pcm.leftGood{
    type plug
    slave.pcm left
}

      Now, once this file is created, the sound cards can be checked in the terminal thus:

#reload the alsa with command:
     sudo /sbin/alsa force-reload
#try the left sound card with some wave file you have, here test.wav
      aplay -D left test.wav
#if this is giving you a squeaky sound as it is played fast go for the 
#bitrate compatible plugin     
      aplay -D leftGood  test2.wav
#now you should be getting a left only output. 

It is that easy.

Feedback

In a system with a positive feedback, a component of response to the stimulus is fed back as stimulus. The component that is fed back is decided by a feedback system. Because it is a positive feedback, this component is in tandem with the usual stimulus. This phenomenon results in an stimulus of enhanced magnitude. The regular stimulus when combined additively with this component that is fed back creates an enhanced input to this system thereby increasing the effective magnitude of the response which in turn increases the fed back component. This can go on forever, continuously increasing the strength of the response of the system. Now the system might not be able to cope with this high magnitude of stimulus or response, sometimes it could be the excess response or it could be the excess stimulus, that causes the system to breakdown or stop responding beyond its acceptable limit of either magnitudes making the system saturated.
Sometimes the component that is fed back might not be contain all the components of the given stimulus, it could be just one component of the stimulus that could be fed back to be additively combined with stimulus. Now this component that will be fed back is entirely a property of the feedback. If the stimulus does not contain this particular component that the feedback system is sensitive to, the feedback system is practically useless. But if the mentioned component is a part of stimulus then this one component will get contribute the most to the response. Now if a response of a certain magnitude is being generated by the system, we may safely remove the stimulus and the response will be available, even without the stimulus. This this fed back component becomes the natural response of the system. Finding the natural response of a system is easy, one has to give it a small stimulus with all possible components for a short period, the system will respond with its natural response. Kicking a machine when it stops could just make it work as it put it up to its natural response once again. Like defibrillator.

The Book Of Qualities - Ruth Gendler

I heard about this book from a Talk by one Evolutionary scientist (i guess) on how human beings are evolutionarily linked to our predecessors , and how we differ to such extents from them. So somewhere in the speak he talks about our ability of meta-cognition. You know, like know how you are thinking. Stuff like "Does he know that I know that he knows" is pretty meta. This video was posted on my wall and i loved it and I so wanted to read this book. But because it is very a obscure writer and book I just could not find it.  Long story short after a lot of trouble, that involved getting myself transferred I got this one in my hand. Now what was great about this book thatihave noticed is that it can be read form back to front, or one page at a time. Ok all this is pretty pointless. Getting to the point.

The Book of Qualities by Ruth Gendler is about the lady giving us the life story or an event or the psychological profile of some very interesting people like Fear, Wisdom, Intensity, Joy, Commitment. All of them have very interesting characters and in some pages the woman has drawn their portriats too. So sometimes you feel like reading about wisdom, or despair etc, then it is almost like a dictionary, here are a few excerpts form the book, I have always searched for it and never found.

Wisdom: Wisdom wears an indigo jacket. She takes long walks in the purple hills at twilight, pausing to meditate at an old temple near the crossroads. She was sick as a young child so learned to be alone with herself at a young age.
Wisdom has a quiet mind. She likes to think about the edges where things spill into each other and become their opposites. She knows how to look at things inside and out. Sometimes her eyes go out to the things she is looking at, and sometimes the thing she is looking at enters through her eyes. Questions of time, depth and balance interest her. She is not looking for answers.

Joy: Joy drinks pure water. She has sat with the dying and attended many birth. She denies nothing. She is in love with life, all of it, the sun and the rain and the rainbow. She rides horses at half Moon Bay under the October moon. She climbs mountains. She sings to the hills. She jumps from the hot spring to the cold stream without hesitation.
Although Joy is spontaneous, she is immensely patient. She does not need to rush. She knows that there are obstacles on every path and that every moment is the perfect moment. She is not concerned with success or failure or how to make things permanent.
At times Joy is elusive - she seems to disappear even as we approach her. I see her standing on a ridge covered with oak trees, and suddenly the distance between us feels enormous. I am overwhelmed and wonder if the effort to reach her is worth it. Yet, she waits for us. Her desire to walk with us is as great as our longing to accompany her.

Commitment: Commitment has kind eyes. He wears sturdy shoes. Everything is very vivd when he is around. It is wonderful to sit and have lunch in his gardens around harvest time. You can taste in the vegetables that the soil has been cared for.
Because Commitment is so serious,  he loves clowns and balloons and fools and limericks. He has four daughters, grown now, but when they were little they always took him to the circus.
There is something special about the way Commitment gazes at the new moon. I wish I knew how to explain it. He is such a simple man and yet he is so mysterious. He is more generous than most people. His heart is open. He is not afraid of life. He is married to joy.

Defeat: Defeat sits in his chair staring at the grey doves on the porch. He holds his hand underneath his heart, fingers curled tightly into themselves, glued together in a paralyzed rage. He is unwilling to go forward and unable to let go. He is not blind or deaf, but it is unclear who he sees or what her hears. He has a stroke six years ago and sleeps most of the day. In response to questions he answers yes or no inter-changeable. Speech has lost meaning.

Depression: Depression is the child of Lethargy and Despair. She was born tired. She has always had beautiful dreams. As she grew up, she stopped believing in them. The only person she could talk to then was Rage. He sat next to her during the geography class. When Rage left. Depression felt totally abandoned.
Depression sits at the table staring out the window as if there’s no escape. she makes sure no one comes too close. Then she frets about being lonely. You warned me not to take her overtures of friendship too seriously. I wasn’t paying attention. After all, I hardly have the time for my good friends, and I figured she would bore me. It wasn’t until my neck was hurt that I found out why so many want to spend time with her.

Underlines added pseudo-randomly. Well that is all folks.

Breakfast at 6pm

Cooking for self : a form of healthy narccissm? Always wanted to use this kind of shitty intro :p. After the night shift i came home at 8 in the morning. The best thing about night shift is you get the whole day to sleep. Slept like a baby for about 10 hours and woke up with cannibalistic hunger rage!!! Going out to get some stuff necessary for cooking was a great torture, i was hungrily looking at the arms and calves of people passing by with the above mentioned rage *_*. Of course people were selling stuff on the roadside but because pune is a vegetarian dominated area, there were only leaves and potatoes. But i had better plans for myself, I had, in my fridge, something almost taboo. A full pack of beef sausages procured after a long search for the lesser known spar shopping place, the best of its kind (could kick the sorry ass of big bazar any day). So my plan was to saute (going to try it the prescribed way for the first time) it in olive oil till it is brown and then boil it in the same pan with some water to make it a little soft, also cleaning the pan of the excess oil in the process, so it is easy to clean it after eating. Then fill a hot dog bun with this and some tomato and chilli. In the shop there was no oil. I asked for coconut oil for cooking and he looks at me like i am some retarded child and says "One does not simply use coconut oil... ....to cook food!!" ONLY to grow long beautiful hair!!!. I silently pitied the fool, and reached back home with butter and eggs and stuff. Butter, i planned to use to saute with, although i read somewhere that butter is no good for it, as it evaporates or something. But the tragedy struck when i reached back home and found that the butter has melted from my body temperature. I kept it in the fridge which was still warm cos of the power cut. By this time i had lost all strength for logical thinking. I decided to boil the sausage and put it in the middle of the bun with some tomato and chilli and eat it. Now i started working, i boiled some water for the tea, no food without tea. Took out a couple of sausages and kept it in some water to cool off (warm up). Then started working on the tomato, cut it in pieces and the chilli too. The sausage was almost ready to get cooked and I put it in the pan and was about to fire up the stove when I thought of something else. I had no idea how to cut the tomato. I had cut one in semicircles and other two into small pieces. By the time i had finished cutting i had lost the point of cutting it in all this different shapes. Now they cannot be put in a hotdog in all these shapes. So i decided to bring the water to boil and then put the tomato and chilli in before the hot dog. Thought i will make a hotdog curry. You must know that when i went to the shop, i did not ask for salt because i had salt. It just was not there in my mind. But when i pictured myself eating the hotdog and remembering the biggest complaint i always come up with all the time, "amma no salt in the curry!". Then it struck, i had no salt!!! I looked around, because i had nothing much in the kitchen i could see all that i had. There was in the corner a container with uppilitta manga!!. I took one out cut it into small slices and arranged it on the floor of the cut bun. Voila i hav all the salt i ever need. By this time the water had boiled for tea good for 2 tea cups. I put in the tea leaves and put out the flame immediately (if you love tea this should be how it is done). The hot dog curry was ready with a small amount of tomato extract and cooked tomato and chilli and a couple of very soft but slightly split hot dogs. now i was all set for eating. I filled my borosil vision glass with tea(these are the awesomest simplest glass ever, that costs around 600 per dozen but got from spar 1 at 29/- :), you can boil things in it freeze ice in it, it is the stuff test tubes are made of ). Brought my food to the room where i LIVE, put a play list of New Order songs, filled the bun with cooked tomato and chilli and topped it all with the sausage. Then there was some tomato, chilli and hot dog extract in the pan that i poured over the hotdog. And started having what could be the best breakfast ever. The tea was just great, no wonder it is my favorite drink at the moment. The wholesomeness that too in the borosil glass, with very minimal food, involving the basic smell of hot chilli, tomato and sausage untainted by the usual explosion of flavors of all kind that is found in the food here, the upbeat purely happy music by the once sad but now better bunch of people called new order. There was an excess of minimalism around. Once i had finished the food i found that there was some more tea left to wash off the taste. After the food all i was left with was a plate a pan and a tea pot and glass to cleanup. And a full stomach. Peace. Folks maybe i found it all too good because of the hunger but if so then starvation should be made an important part of cooking hehe.

hope

The dew on the small white flower 
That brings the first smile on your face
On an early orange sunday morning
Awake before the late set alarm starts ringing
Shouting out the to do lists of everyday

Woken up by the sigh of relief 
Of the earth that cannot believe
That the rain has come yet again
After so long a dry spell
That caused naught but pain

Like the tears of pity of fair angels
As heavens weep for those down below
Pearly white and feathery light
Rain drops in bright sun light
As the midnight's fox weds his long time love

A promise of permanence of all things good
And changes that take us to new things and new hood
Like the deep blue of the eyes of an old emerlad old snake
Who has seen all the seasons and the changes they make
Who rests silent and watchful deep underground

The sure strikes of the smith
Unaware of the angel or snake
Still find its mark, and make the right bend
On this metal, his whole life he will spend
To make the right armor, to make the right blade
To guard his strong castle, where resides his soft, changing heart 

Song Covers

There are songs and song covers. First time i heard people covering other peoples songs I felt that it was foul play, I mean anybody can sing a song that is already there. But then that way if we look at the Bollywood and Malluwood we will end up calling Rafi and Yesudas total talentless suckers. But that really is not the truth they were anything but talentless suckers. They were very talented men and they sang their songs with great feeling. Now there are covers that are exactly like the original songs and there are improvisations. As far as improvisations are concerned the Albums by This Mortal Coil are something to watch out for. The group covered some obscure songs by Big Star (Never heard of Them before, but are too good check out Haulocaust, Kangaroo and you have surely heard Thirteen) , Tim Buckley etc and had some original stuff too,  but what was great was that they never did it the way the makers of the music did it.

Some covers I liked very much.

Dear Prudence covered by Siouxsie and The Banshees. This is one awesome song and deserves to be covered by every band that has emerged so far, but what made me like this particular version by Siouxsie is the awesome vocals by her. and the flanging effect too.

Pale Blue Eyes: Die Hornissen, now there is a band i have never heard of, ever. I stumbled upon it on an update by a friend on facebook. This song by velvet underground is one of my favorite song from the group and from the whole world. What makes this cover great is the atmospheric sound of it and the little shift in the tune. Really good!

The End - Nico, Oh Yes that is right it did happen, and boy did she sing it good, it did not have the great drums rattle snake jingles nor the eastern guitar but it had the voice of Nico, just as  heavy as Morrison's

The Man Who Sold The World : David Bowie, NO this is not a fucking cover, the one by Nirvana was the cover, with the mistakes in lyrics and stupid grungy rendering (like aey sound everywhere) it became so famous people don't know the real song and the talented man behind it.  The real one is way better and the sad thing is Bowie himself had to remind the crowd that it was his song and not Kurt Cobain's during a live show. 90's was indeed a disappointment,  they starved Shoegaze and abnormally delayed the death of Grunge.

Exit Music (For a Film) : Radiohead,  was in fact Thom Yorke's take on Fredrich Chopin's Prelude in E Minor. Both are really good songs and the Exit Music sounds extra beautiful once you finish watching Romeo+Juliet.

 

Aphex Twin : David Bowie and Philip Glass Heroes (Aphex Twin Remix) , you see what he did there?? This isthe kind of stuff only Richard James can do. He mixed two songs with the same name by two different artists and the mood of the song does not conflict at all. At least with Bowie's heroes it does not. That is genius.

Proverbs From The Corner Of A Room

we discover our paradise,
we design our hell

nothing ever ends, we can only hope for new beginnings

hell inside heaven outside

gods good and Evil
demons needs and fears
men reason.

a good distraction makes you see

reason interpolates, imagination extrapolates

Sunday Morning.

The song by Velvet Underground, their first one, is one of the songs that touched me a lot. That was my first impression. As it is always with songs first i listen to it for the atmosphere. And like every Sunday morning it is happy as heaven. I have always loved songs for their mood, the atmosphere. The whole beauty of a song is never completely appreciated. And one day while you are sitting in the bus listening to a song, it starts sounding like something way much more than what it used to be. The meaning of the song and the emotion gets you. Then we have to go back to the playlist put the song on repeat, and pray to god that the feeling stays for a few more replays. That feeling here, is pure beauty and love. That is when you appreciate the meaning of a song or the intimacy of the music. Another thing i value a lot about a song is how it is liked by other people. People who i love. Probably from the old days when i used to listen to the songs my brother used to play in the tape. He never used to let me use the player. But anything appreciated by others gain a certain beauty only by that fact. Now about Sunday Morning, there is something so sad about that song. The kinda of feeling you get when you wake up on a Sunday Morning can not be described as happy. Sunday is so happy outside but it has the sadness of all your past in it. All the things you wished that you had done. It could be the beginning of the end of a vacation or the hangover from the last day or worse, the serious contemplation of the life so far, never a happy day. Though apparently the happiest song of the album (Velvet Underground and Nico) this is the song i  listen to the least often. But i like it the most, like many precious things in life, it can't be used too often. And it never comes up as an Ear Worm.

Inside The Python

One of the more terrible things i thought of was of getting stuck inside a python, rather getting swallowed by one. And probably struggling for a while against the walls to get out while you wait for the digestion to start. Then we would remember how the prince would come out of the same pit. When he tried to cut it open from inside he could or it made the python spit. The hope lights up your face in the dark when you find a small knife in your pocket. But the darkness will claim it back when you see that it was all just a story for from inside the python there is no escape. And worse yet you have to wait.

Talk

Sometimes i wish not to respond to the world anymore , for when i talk about the same things for now if i talk it would be about things that i have been thinking 'weeping gorilla' 'burning giraffe' and 'death of god', which woud in no way be different from the last post, though 'prathama drishthiya' they are different the 'andhardhara' is quite 'sajeevam' rofl. And the jokes that i laugh to i feel that from the begining of time i have been laughing to only 1 kind of quite easy jokes while i am totally invulnerable to the rest of the comedy. But now i will talk about the 3 subjects i had mentioned viz weeping gorilla, burning giraffe, god is dead

Now weeping gorilla is a comic strip inside the comic called promethea by Alan Moore who is the only comic artist i have read, but this pattern of the story inside another story (comic i mean) can be seen in more than one of his works, probably comes out of the importance he gives to a media that i had such difficult in discovering ( hopefully only in india for every comic is quite an awesome read). In watchmen there is this pirate comic that an unimportant character ( guy in the newspaper stand where rorshach goes to buy newspaper...(c'mon) ) reads. The story of the black freighter is about the freighter almost like the davy jones flying dutchman, ship that takes in lost or sinned souls in and make them work like it is hell. The comic stays inside the story for it kinda blends in with the comic in the mood. But in the end I felt that it is the mental situation of the least encountered but very important Adrian Veidt. He even mentions that he often dreams of sometimes swimming towards a dark dirty ship in the night, during his last talk with Dr. Manhattan after he fucks up everything by designing a psychoactive alien creature.

Now in promethea, there is weeping gorilla. It appears as a comic strip that is run in the Promethea world. Like the one shown in the picture it is always one monkey face thinking one bubble of thought that is of the same as in this one. When the protagonist wanders in the imagination land in the story where we are totally under the control of our imagination and emotion the ape become so unbearably pitiable. She listens to its issues even as she understands they he is saying all those cliched self-pitying thoughts, she sobs saying "oh that poor monkey". I kinda sensed a certain similarity between this monkey and the mega serials that run our mallu tv channels. Probably i m wrong. What is great about the strip is that it builds the mood so with that one bubble of thought and the gorilla. The book is very knowledgeable and extremely well drawn but the slowest i have read so far.

converstation inside my head

One time eon had asked me to write down watever comes into my head I was so scared of doing that first of all technicay you can not write down all that comes into your head. the time needed to think up things is way too less compared to that required to type it down. And in my scared mind i was afraid of what i could write and always wanted to write down something cool. It has to be a cool sentence of infinite meaning or a joke. A joke like freud said is a wall that protects our opinion. I tend to understand that i cannot talk my heart. But those are times of my miseries when the wise one inside that is a demon too tels me about the fucked up man i am, how my shit stinks. Now here is something I wrote down ony out of my mind by free association i guess, but like the uncertainity theory we cannot understand want mind says like we cant see the right colour of the mirror. I have been reading books lately of quite a wide range or probably not for I have been link browsing, Reading the books i find mentioned in the music i hear and movies i watch like Apocalypse now led to golden bough ( i did not finish reading), venus in furs from venus in furs velvet underground, shantaram from rang de basanti, Catcher in the rye from donnie darko, watchmen from watchmen and from there to promethea, Jung from freud floating and moving slowly towards the next colourful thing. And i feel the cear inadequacy of good libraries around. Now there is something I so wanted to tell the whoe world, about my achievement over the year a those books. And what do I want to read next?? Something about religion, something about maths and something about poem of which there is none that will touch me, I learned maths I so loved it once. I wanted to read quran, gita is too deep and plus i want to know how that religion works. And what I want is peace with my demons and more love from my angels. Clearer dreams, more audible inner voice. Work is not going to be fun, never is it going to be fun I guess i wi not ready for it for a while I will have to endure all the acquisitions half of which comes out of my inabiity to remember things without a reason other than the real reason 'do it or i will someday get fired coz of this'. And what I want to do are learn swimming make a garden learn to pay music, dj in a club and ove a girl. I am going to post this post the 'l' in the keyboard is quite weak and i hope that my friends dont see this

bad dream

So i ws feelin totally good no pain no hunger no nothin so light and blurry , every thing was perfect nd then i started thinkin , go further and it would get better , or maybe i should not , it is cool now why take a chance......oh cmon we don't think that much ain goin to kill me neway so lemme try it and i did , 1 2 3 4 and 5 only a bitter taste in the mouth it was so unlike everythin else it was nt making me lighter nor was the place becoming blurry so i thought nthin ws goin to happen , man i m immune to this thing!!! that is cool.....and then sm1 said smthing funny and then i started smiling and nw i can't stop the smile is becoming wider and then i started laughing like i hav never done b4.....And every1 lse ws laughin at me 'cmon man don cry it's goin to be ok' they said....i ws thinkin wtf cmon u assholes i m not crying i m laughin the shit out of me.... or ws i.... nw i am actually cryin but there is no reason to cry , and nw i can't breathe . i hav to stop doin watever i m doin nw , cryin or laughin , i hav to stop listenin to ppl and concentrate on smtin like my breathin or heart beat or smthin .....ok lets do that nw when i try to listen to my heart beat i could just hear them like the beats of a song ....'dude look at this my heart is beating so fast'...... s'ok man it happens ...ok watever..but cmon heart is also basically a muscle or 3 to 4 muscles so if it beats this fast it is goin to get tired real fast.....hmmm....now i know hw heart attack happens.....
god i'ma fuckin die of heart attack , but that is impossible heart won't just stop for psychological reasons u got to hav serious cholestrol trouble or smthin to get a heart attack.....all you hav to do is keep ur calm . calm dwn it is all goin to be fine , and nw i hav a pain in my chest....which side??right???right is cool it is far away from the heart for the heart is in the left side.....oh shit but right and left is relative , may be this left is the other right , holy shit .Now remember which side is the heart , ok it is near your left hand ok so it is cool , no wait a minit the pain is shifting to the left nw , jesus christ , this sucks , it is the kind of pain that i hav never felt b4 , or maybe it is not even pain , no it is not pain , it is fatigue , my muscles 'the heart muscles' are tired nw it is like the feeling u get in ur legs after runnin too long , holy shit , i told u the mucles are going to get tired at some point , nd nw i can't breathe .....y??....pbly it is the law of conservation of energy u know the whole 'energy can be used only at one part of the body at a time' thing , oh yeah that explains it , so i m going to die for sure oh god wt abt all my dreams , fk off this can't be true , that is not what the law of conservation of energy says........it is not even in biology sucker get a grip nw....hmmm...mind is playin games...but that ain hw it is supposed to work all it does is slow everything down make us feel good.but this shit is totally fuckin my mind up , but who says that isn the law of conservation of energy , mind rt....but the mind is playing games with me so i can't trust my mind , oh shit even this thought is cmin frm my mind , i hav to stop depending on my mind, but i am the mind ain i??shit that is so much of thought i feel like vomiting nw,shit it has reached my mouht ,run man, run ,fast......, outta here ok reach the door , open it ,and the toilet is not far away , oh yes i made it thank you god , then i thot abt appu , appu who had to pay 500 rs to his friends to clean the mess he made atleast i don hav to do that , ok nw it is over , my stomach is empty now and i feel much better i turned back every1 is laughing i reached them and told em that i am totally in control and removed the jeans ran back nd vomitted more came back nw i feel good , put my jeans back on and went to bed all is good nw i hav to listen to some good music that is not psychadelic smthing good and happy , ok put u2 , nw everything is back in control no heart probs no nothing everythin is cool........and then i ws asleep

letters

I know there's no way I can convince you this is not one of their tricks......but I don't care.I am me.My name is Valerie.I don't think I'll live much longer.
I wanted to tell someone about my life.This is the only autobiography that I will ever write and, God......I'm writing it on toilet paper.I was born in Nottingham in 1985.I don't remember much of those early years......but I do remember the rain.My grandmother owned a farm in Tottle Brook......and she used to tell me that God was in the rain.I passed my 11 Plus and went to girls' grammar.It was at school that I met my first girlfriend.Her name was Sarah.It was her wrists.They were beautiful.I thought we would love each other forever.I remember our teacher telling us......that it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew.Sarah did.I didn't.In 2002, I fell in love with a girl named Christina.That year I came out to my parents.I couldn't have done it without Chris holding my hand.My father wouldn't look at me.He told me to go and never come back.My mother said nothing.But I'd only told them the truth.Was that so selfish?Our integrity sells for so little,but it is all we really have.It is the very last inch of us.But within that inch......we are free.It ends whenever you want it to.I'd always known what I wanted to do with my life......and in 2015 I starred in my first film,The Salt Flats.It was the most important role of my life.Not because of my career......but because that was how I met Ruth.The first time we kissed......I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again.We moved to a small flat in London together.She grew Scarlet Carsons for me in our window box......and our place always smelt of roses.Those were the best years of my life.But America's war grew worse and worse,and eventually came to London.The bill proposed by the Undersecretary for Defense, Adam Sutler......to close the remaining tube stations passed with...After that, there were no roses anymore.Not for anyone.I remember how the meaning of words began to change.How unfamiliar words like "collateral" and "rendition" became frightening......while things like "Norsefire" and the "Articles of Allegiance" became powerful.I remember how "different" became dangerous.I still don't understand it......why they hate us so much . They took Ruth while she was out buying food.I've never cried so hard in my life.It wasn't long till they came for me.It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place.But for three years,I had roses and apologized to no one.I shall die here.Every inch of me shall perish.Every inch......but one.An inch.It is small, and it is fragile......and it is the only thing in the world worth having.We must never lose it or give it away.We must never let them take it from us.I hope that, whoever you are,you escape this place.I hope that the world turns and that things get better.But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean......when I tell you that even though I do not know you......and even though I may never meet you......laugh with you, cry with you......or kiss you......I love you.With all my heart......I love you.

Valerie.

ABCD effect (shanker's blog)

this is from my homeboy shanker's blog , it is not copyrighted or anything so i thought i would paste it here . For similar stuff got to his blog

Now this one's more interesting. Discovered in the DSP class( for the uninitiated thats Digital Signal Processing), this actually is applicable to most of the subjects since class 1. Lets take an example i like to quote for explaining it. The name came up from the very same analogy. The ABCD effects shows itself i 2 ways.

CASE 1: Consider a Class 2 student who missed the whole of Class 1 implying he has no idea what ABCD...Z is and doesnt even know how to write it. For such a guy/gal(though effect is seen more in the former) , when a teacher writes "CAT" its the same effect as looking at a person drawing a hill. For all he knows there's a curve and a few lines on the board. All he can do is take it down, as it is ,and call it "C-A-T" as he's told.. This is case 1 of how we understand DSP.For all i and many others know X[k] looks good and surprisingly is totally different from x[k] or X(k).So we just take it down and accept it as given and call it as series or transforms....

CASE 2: Now consider another Class 2 student who did attend Class 1 but didnt understand a thing of what was happening. Meaning if he sees "CAT", he knows there's a "C"(see) , an "A"(ay) and a "T" (tee). But frustratingly for him, the teacher keeps calling it "CAT" when all he can see is "SeeAyTee". And when asked to spell out "BAT" he can find no letter from A -Z which can make it sound like that. Now considering DSP, even if we get X[k],X(k) or x[k], we have no idea what the heck its useful for. Agreed it might mean Fourier Series or Transform but so??? What could we possibly do with it.

CASE 3 : Then there are the perfect students who know their ABCD's , know how it varies and exactly how and where its used. Yup there are examples of such people in DSP(or any class for that matter) too...

Since if you miss anything in Class1 you dont understand most of Class 2, and so on to Class 3...etc. It can be seen from Mathematical Induction, which i picked up from one of those Classes on the way here, that whatever you miss in Class N, is directly the effect of your non-attentiveness in Class M (M<=N).

Anyway cutting the crap ABCD effect can help to classify all the students in a class...If you manage to classify any other group do let me know, so as to expand the ABCD effect.